So, You Want To Get An App Approved

Someone sent me this in response to some complaints I wrote about an app I have been trying to get into the store for over three months.

“If you want to talk about going a few rounds with Apple Reviewers, I can tell you stories. One of my dev friends is amazed listening to me having practically a screaming match with the reviewer, telling him he was an idiot and I still got my App in the store. Reviewers, depending on who you get assigned and from what I can tell, have no real clear training on what they are suppose to be screening for and when it comes to aesthetic issues, grab all the religious icons you can find, put them in a circle around you and start praying that the Gods of common sense visit them.

From what I’ve seen from the screen shots, taking a few fingers of Kentucky Bourbon to put me in their mind set of slight detachment from reality and from looking at the iOS 7 UI Transition Guide, this reviewer I think is really nit picking at your first photo of the Red Stone Dust screen. When he’s talking about using the "iOS Buttons” (BTW, next time they try to be general in what is up their butt, just ask them to tell you what their specific personal problem with your app is so you can either fix it or have it tossed to the dispute team. Usually they will either let the issue go or tell you what is really up their ass and how to fix it"), I’m guessing (again, only having drank a little bit) that it’s because your Bar Buttons in the header are not using the chevrons they use to indicate navigation flow to the user.

That’s really the only thing I see with that image. The only other thing would be on the second screen shot of the table, maybe again (and I’m only guessing because I haven’t done my line of cocaine yet today to really put me in the Apple Reviewer mind) is that your table chevrons again don’t match their “thin” style. I’ve had a similar experience with this. My tip is, if your going to emulate ANY aspect of the iOS interface, make damn sure it’s exactly right. Otherwise, they will start the endless nit picking. Based on my experience, try to stay away from the stock UI as much as you can and try to develop a design style that’s just different enough not to make them want to crap their pant’s, but nothing they can really point to as what they feel as (NOTE: this is not ment from me to you as trying to be offensive to you and your app, but again I’m using my Apple Drone Radar System of Mental Impairment* to help me simulate their thinking, (* trademark pending)) of what they feel as half ass'ing their design.

By my post, you may tell I’ve had a few run in’s with reviewers and even though I use to be a non-alcoholic drug free person before meeting them and now I’m one email / phone call away from them completing my transformation into Hunter Thompson, after somewhere around 50 app submissions for my clients apps and my own, I’ve never had one app not accepted to the Apple App store (knock on wood, rub a rabbits foot and anything else I can think of to appease the God’s of Review). Just try to live the Apple motto. Especially when dealing with the 3rd party hires of corporate drones trying to regurgitate rules and policies they barley understand themselves and have a different personal interpretation of the rules from one reviewer to the next as if they were all a collection of religious scholars from an online college diploma school trying to interpreting the meaning of sections from the Bible, Torah, or Quran of a supposedly creatively innovative company.“

"Think Different” (especially after ever app review so you can annoy the next developer submitting to the point of insanity of where only postal workers used to be able to get to).